Here is an overview, with various "before and after" versions. Of course, we normally do not rewrite a document in the step-by-step fashion suggested by these versions. They simply illustrate the various problems. Also, we cannot attempt here to explain the details of
every problem and
every solution in this example. Finally, please understand that there are many possible ways of improving a document; the outcome shown above is only one option.
- It is extremely wordy: This makes it difficult to read and suggests that the writer is not very confident. (Look at how we can make it concise.)
- The passive voice is used unnecessarily throughout the document, increasing the word count, creating awkward sentences, and contributing to a tone of shirking responsibility for the problem (insincerity).
- Some words are simply redundant (repeating an idea).
- Several items of information (arguably) do not contribute to the purpose of the message.
- The order of ideas is counterproductive:
- The tone is irritating and raises suspicion:
- Passive voice structure, "avoided" pronouns, belaboured points, weak verbs, and words that are unnecessarily formal and bureaucratic--these and other factors of style create a distance between writer and reader. The occasion calls for a less dry, more direct and personal tone. (Look at how we can improve the tone.)
- It has some incorrect or awkward grammar, awkward sentences, and a few mechanical problems. Although the best solution is often to simply rewrite the sentences (to remove awkward construction) a few points of interest are:
- We recommend changing the salutation from Dear Ms. Carlson, to Dear Patricia Carlson: because the use of Ms. is not necessary since the first name is known, and the colon, not the comma is appropriate for business letters.
- The first sentence of paragraph #2 is somewhat long for business communication. Also, the word which in the sentence needs a comma before it.
- The last sentence in paragraph #2 is a compound sentence. A comma should precede the conjunction so.
- The first sentence in paragraph #3 requires a comma before the word matter. However, a better resolution is to rewrite the sentence because it is awkward. (This is also true of other sentences.)
- The second sentence in paragraph #3 needs a colon before the word therefore, after removing the word because at the start of the sentence.
- The closing should conclude with the writer's title, and not the company name.
- We assume that the writer's and typist's initials will be added, as this is a business letter.
